Who (or What) is My God?

Hi guys. There's been a great deal of shifting going on behind the scenes here at God & Gays. We launched registrations for the Conference to be held in Nashville, TN Aug 3/4, our promotional partners at PFLAG, HRC, BeyondExGay.com, UCC Coalition are all ramping up to help spread the word about the conference, we have Pride and UCC Conference showings and appearances coming up in June, we're interviewing PR reps, God & Gays will be showing all around New Zealand this and next month...and there's mass distribution on the horizon that I can't talk about just yet.

All the while, even when things seemed to be stagnant or I can't get someone's attention who would really benefit by partnering with us, or when expenses pile up and the income isn't, I could chalk it up to the life and struggle of the indy filmmaker making passion projects. Before I run to the local pizza place for a job and allow myself to get consumed by worry, stress, lack and fear of the unknown, I've finally gotten to a point where I'm more present in the present and can catch myself heading down the rabbit hole. I snap myself out of it and ask, "Kim, who's your God right now?"

I ask this because if my attention is on the worry, worry has the power of my attention and takes my perspective of reality down that insecure and fear-based route. If I'm paying the bills and focus on the lack of income, that becomes the power, the priority. As a result, I feel like the victim, I get depressed, I get scared. I say, all I want to do right now is get this movie and this conference to the people that need it, the people who will be empowered, who will reconcile themselves and ripple out this courage to overcome and reconnect. All I want to do is work on these projects, make them the best quality, to make a living at doing what I love. At a basic level, no different than what you might tell yourself too.

Then I realized that kind of talk was victim-status. It was the spiritually immature side to me that needs acknowledgment and then healing. By replacing that self-talk with 'who is my God right now', I'm able to snap out of the victim spiral, reconnect with who my real God is and step into that co-creative power.

I don't tell my small God about my big problems, I tell my big God about my small problems. I learned that saying from Rev. Deborah Johnson, she's full of impact-filled statements like these. In her first book, The Sacred Yes, she talks about God's inexhaustible supply and miracles happen where we put our intentions in touch with that supply.

My answer is critical. Who or what will I allow to triumph in my life, moment by moment? Worry? That gives me gray hairs. I don't want gray hairs just yet. Stress? That increases chances of cancer and heart conditions, not to mention digestive issues and weight loss (not in the good way). Lack? That's no fun...and we live in an abundant universe and the Source is inexhaustible. Fear of the unknown? Where's the fun in discovering miracles, divine timing and how cool "coincidences" are on a daily basis?

My answer is God. I wear a necklace that Luane gave me that is a symbol of God as Creator (Om). I touch it when I need a reminder that the Creator is running the show. If I get caught up in making worry, stress, lack, fear God in my life, I'm putting limits to the Good that can come, I'm making myself unavailable for possibility when there's more going on than what I see.

How can I be useful to God if I'm running in mental circles freaking over lack? What good am I to you if I'm stressed all the time? I can't show up for you, I can't show up for God. Isn't that the opposite of what I said I wanted to do?

So, I've finally reached a peace in myself and a self-awareness to do motivation checks and make sure when I'm paying bills, I thank God for the dollars to support the services I enjoy, when I see the bank account dwindling, I surrender and make myself available to hear inspired ideas on what the next action step is and that it'll all be for good, it'll all work out and continue to work out.

I just keep going. Now I keep going in faith and I look for the miracles in my life and my work as reminders of God saying to me, "yep, still here, what's up!" I'd forgotten that this faith is what got the documentary made in the first place. It's truly a miracle the film was made. Now I see how perfect the timing of its release is. There's been no better time in history for this kind of story.

So, you in? Who's your God right now? How's it workin' for ya? If you need different results for something, do something different. Then, you've already broken the pattern, even if it's just one step of the dance, you've created a new result. Good for you. Good for me. Now you're available too.